The bottom line is that men fall in love differently than women. Coach Amy North lays out six ways men are distinctive and then concludes with how you can make him fall in love with you. Hmmm… I wonder what a long married, more mature woman might think of her reasoning… Uf, that’s me!
Coach North opens with, “First, I just wanted to say that men and women, at the end of the day, aren’t all that different, deep down. We all want to love and be loved. We care about the people around us. And we all are just doing our best.
“But there are some key differences between how men and women feel, experience and express love.” Do ya think?
[Editor’s note: Coach Amy does not distinguish between difference in being and difference in doing. There are some fundamental differences between men and women, in the way they think and process. When she says, “that men and women, at the end of the day, aren’t all that different, deep down.”, she cites examples of doing, not examples of being. These deep down needs are common, but the two sides are still very different, deep down, in being.]
Point #1: “Men fall in love with their eyes first.”
“The first thing a guy notices about a woman is how she looks…. You may say men are shallow, but the truth is it’s just that men are much more visually driven than women.
Coach cites a neurological study which states, “the emotion control center of the brain, the amygdala, showed significantly higher levels of activation in males viewing sexual visual stimuli than in females viewing the same images.
“This means that men are more emotionally stimulated by what they’re seeing. So it’s not that men are shallow as much as their sight has a greater impact on their emotions than it does for women.
“Whereas women can be attracted to someone purely for their mind, their sense of humour, or other factors, men need that visual element first and foremost to feel attraction. And without attraction, there can be no love.”
My husband taught me this years ago. Honestly, I didn’t know this until he explained it to me and I was no youngster when I married. I love that she characterizes this truth, not as them being shallow, but rather as that the visual simply “has a greater impact on their emotions.” Touché!
[Editor’s note: It would have been good for Coach Amy to point out how men stay in love, which is just as important as falling in love. Perhaps for another video.]
Point #2: “For men, respect builds slowly.”
“Men can date, sleep with, and even get into a relationship with women who they don’t respect. This is something that many women don’t understand as we’re usually not attracted to someone who we don’t respect.
“This may be a cynical way to look at men but it’s quite often the case that they don’t respect you as a default. But men will never fall for a woman unless they can come to respect her. With that in mind, show him that you’re someone with character.”
Now, if you’ve read any of my previous critiques of Coach Amy’s dating advice, much of which is excellent I’ll say, you may know that I don’t advocate sex before marriage. While this seems counterintuitive in 2021, a man will respect you more if you are chaste. If he thinks it through, he’ll realize that if you aren’t easy with him, you weren’t easy with the men that came before him. Ponder this for more than a moment.
[Editor’s note: One way to build respect is to focus on a meeting of the minds – that is, engage in frequent conversation that he feels passionately about. Nothing kills respect like being disinterested in what he wants to talk about. There’s a reason for the stereotype of a pretty face with no brain.]
Point #3: “Men can be slow to trust.”
“Men, like women, are often worried about being taken advantage of. This goes even more so for attractive, successful, and wealthy men. They’re on constant guard to make sure they’re not being fooled. This can make men extremely slow to trust other people.
“This means, if you trust him too easily and too readily, he might lose respect for you.
“To counteract this, don’t try to move too quickly in the relationship. Let him set the pace and come to you when he’s ready.”
Excellent advice, all. I once dated a famous person and I think I was quickly and easily trusted and welcomed because I was clueless about his profession and fame…and frankly was disinterested (never been into sports). He was just a nice guy.
[Editor’s note: It works both ways. If he rushes into the relationship, which guys are famous for doing, it could ruin a good relationship fast. Moderation in all things is always a good principle to abide by.]
Point #4: “Men want to be a provider…of happiness.”
“On some level, men want to be useful to women. Back in the day that meant being the sole breadwinner. Even farther back it meant taking down some big game to keep you fat during the winter months. Now, things are a bit different. In the modern world, men just want to feel needed and appreciated. They want to know that they’re providing you with something valuable as it makes them feel more secure about their desirability and your love for them.
“This is why men love to make women laugh, to perform tasks for them, and even to be the one who drives on a long road trip. It’s all about being useful to the other person.
“If you’re too independent and unable to let your guard down, they won’t feel as though they’re important to you and so they’ll struggle to really fall deeply in love with you, try as you might.
“So be open and receptive to his help, his attention, and his care. This is him showing you how much he loves you.”
I can attest to this. When I first met my husband, he opened a door for me. Being in my feminist phase, I made some snide remark. Why he hung in there, I don’t know. I was churlish. I’d like to think it was that I was appealing to the visual… 😉
[Editor’s note: This is a need common to both partners. No one wants to feel useless. We all have great joy fixing someone else’s problems. A great relationship is when both people seek to provide for the other person without expecting anything in return.]
Point #5: “Men don’t want to be tied down.”
“Many men deal with a fear of intimacy and commitment. Whether this is a biological or social issue is up for debate but the truth is that men are conditioned to want to sleep with lots of different women. This means that you may have trouble getting him to settle down with you if you push him too hard….
“What I’m talking about is, if you’re someone who usually falls head over heels, just hold back a little and make him work for your love and attention. Men subconsciously see women who play hard to get as being high value, desirable individuals.”
Please reread my comment under Point #2.
[Editor’s note: Conversation is one of the best ways to address the fear of intimacy and commitment. Don’t just hope that the intimacy and commitment will come, find out how he views them. Explore how he acts on them.]
Point #6: “Men don’t always know what they want.”
“It’s easy to look at an attractive, personable guy and think that he has it all figured out. In fact, that’s one of the attitudes that men portray on purpose, to appear more confident and in control than they actually are.
“In reality, plenty of men are just making it up as they go along. This means that he doesn’t really know exactly how he feels about you just yet. He’s figuring it out as things develop. He wants to see whether or not the two of you are a good fit.”
If you really like the guy and believe he and you would make for a strong, loving, long term relationship, be patient, but not cloying. Desperation is not an attractive trait in anyone.
[Editor’s note: A guy knows immediately what they want visually, but after that, they may not know how to articulate it. Engage him in conversation about things he wants to talk about. You’ll get to see how he thinks.]
In conclusion, Coach Amy adds a section entitled, “How To Make Him Fall In Love.”
“By continually surprising a man you can keep his interest, win his heart, and ultimately, make him fall in love with you. I’m not talking about showing up to his house in the middle of the night, uninvited. Surprising a man is just about being spontaneous and open to adventure… like bungee jumping.
“Another way to continually surprise a man is with radical honesty. This is your willingness to be open and vulnerable with him, come what may. You do need to walk a fine line with this one. Guys aren’t interested in hearing your entire life history and all the negative feelings you’ve ever had.” Men are not into chattiness and droning on about oneself.
“Men are drawn to novelty and if he can tell that he doesn’t quite have you figured out, he’s going to want to know more about you, and eventually, he will fall for you.”
The bottom line: Be yourself. If you’re looking for a husband, you can’t fake yourself for a lifetime and you surely want to marry a man who also presented himself honestly.
[Editor’s note: A man falls for a woman who takes an interest in what he loves to do. This could be golfing, spectator sports or gaming. A man enjoys talking about what he loves to do, but it’s a whole lot better when it’s with a woman.]