Meeting of the Hearts and Minds

How often have you heard the phrase, “Those two are so alike!” How do partners begin to resemble each other?

A man and woman become like each other when they share the same values and goals. They have what can be described as a “meeting of the minds”. That is, they can communicate with each other frequently and on a wide variety of topics, from news of the day to lifelong goals, from what to eat to religion and politics.

When two people first meet, they are two separate single people with a set of values. As they get to know each other, they find out if their values are shared, different or changeable.

So the first question to ask is: How do I prioritize the values? What are the must-have values? What are the negotiable ones?

I like Willard F. Harley’s book, His Needs, Her Needs, which answers this question in simple easy-to-understand language.

For the woman, her five non-negotiable emotional needs are:
1. Affection – Hugs, kisses, holding hands, cards, flowers
2. Conversation – Talk early, talk often
3. Honesty and Openness – She needs to know what he is thinking
4. Financial Security – She needs to feel safe
5. Family Commitment – She wants him to be involved in the family

For the man, his five non-negotiable emotional needs are:
1. Sexual fulfillment – this is a need, not just a want
2. Physical Attractiveness – He needs her to look beautiful
3. Recreational Companionship – He needs her to take an active interest in what he likes to do
4. Respect and Admiration – He needs to know that she thinks highly of him and does not excessively criticize him
5. Domestic Support – He needs to know that she will take care of his needs at home

This is not say that all women have the needs listed above nor the man. What I am saying is that when shown a list of these 10 needs, women tend to pick these five and men the other five.

By meeting these needs, a couple can and will grow together.

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