Think your ex-boyfriend was a missed opportunity and you would like to have him back? Does your life seem more empty without him? Are you convinced that marriage would be in the cards had one or the other of you not ________ (fill in the blank)?
First, be sure it was a healthy relationship. There is no need to put an elaborate plan into place if it was not a relationship worth rekindling. However, if it just ended for the wrong reasons, and you see potential in this guy as a husband, you might want to listen carefully to Coach Amy North and heed her simple suggestions.
Coach North begins by stating unequivocally that you should maintain a 30-day no-contact period which includes no stalking, of course. It seems more than obvious that absence usually makes the heart grow fonder. This has the benefit of checking your own motivations for a possible return to this particular romance.
“During the No Contact period you’re going to want to focus on yourself. This means taking up new hobbies, spending time with friends and family, and really just doing what makes you happy. Doing so is important for a couple reasons. First, it’ll help distract you from wanting to contact your ex, which will do wonders for winning him back, and second, it will make him miss you.” And I will add: If HE is interested in rekindling the relationship.
Her reasoning is that, “When your ex’s curiosity gets the best of him, he’s going to check in on you. Maybe this means calling or texting (ignore both of these if he does), or perhaps he’ll check out your Facebook page or ask mutual friends about you.”
And, “when you keep busy and surround yourself with those you love, your ex will see that you’re not sitting around, heartbroken about the breakup. Instead he’ll realize what a fun, full life you have, and believe me, he’ll want to be a part of it.”
Makes good sense to me.
Once you have completed this 30-day timeout, she advises this first proactive step. Coach North, from Northwestern Canada, hence her moniker, then gives three solid suggestions for texting him after the 30-day no-contact period. Here she uses good psychology to draw your ex in, if indeed he is pining away for you and also is beginning to see a viable relationship with you in his future.
She uses the three Rs as a memory technique for the order of these texts.
1) The first text is “Reminder” which should be something that will appeal to the things you know he enjoys, something that doesn’t require a response, but just intimates, “I’m thinking of you” in a subtle manner. Then tag on, “Hope all is well!” She says, “You’re going to want to warm [him] up to the idea of hearing from you again.”
Her example is, “Let’s say he’s a huge Radiohead fan. You could text him something along the lines of, ‘Hey, I saw Radiohead is going on tour this summer. I thought you’d want to know because I know how much you’ve been wanting to see them live.’” Don’t forget to add, “Hope all is well!” Stay positive.
My suggestion is that you might wait a bit, say a week, and text a similar message again. Not a repeat, but another reminder-type text. These texts don’t require a response.
2) The second type of text is the “Remember” text. This time you are going to subtly remind him of a memory you shared that asks for a small piece of information, giving him the opportunity to text you back. And, he may wonder: with whom you are going—another guy?
An idea for this type from Coach is, “Hey, Chris, remember that beach we discovered on our road trip to the beach? What was it called? I’m hoping to go back this weekend, but I don’t know the name of it. I hope all is well.” You are seeking a response from this “Reminder” text.
Another suggestion in this category is to ask for a reminder about a particular restaurant you went to together where you spent a lovely evening. Keep in mind that he might be wondering if you want to take another guy there.
3) The third “R” is for Reminisce and should not be used until you have had two or three contacts. “I was just thinking about when we….” This message is designed to stir up emotions and hopefully those emotions are positive and encompass you.
Coach North doesn’t give a specific example here—after all she wants you to subscribe to her channel—yet she does say that “There’s no right or wrong memory here as long as it’s one that’s arousing or will get his mind racing.”
“When done correctly, this kind of message will make your ex not only miss you, but you’ll also start to question if breaking up was such a good idea at this time, he’ll come crawling back to you.”
You’re looking for a very strong emotion-producing memory.
In my view, you are not seeking to manipulate your ex-boyfriend, but rather to stir him up to consider rekindling the relationship. There are some things to avoid that are in the vein of stalking.
Coach has already suggested a minimum of a 30-day cooling off period. Then she has three clearly delineated steps for you to follow. These steps should not be in rapid succession.
Attempt the first, and let it hang there for several days to a couple of weeks. Repeat that step perhaps. You need to stay patient and work the plan.
Then move on to the second step. Do not let YOUR emotions get ahead of good common sense. Once the time is right, that enough time has passed, move on to the next. You do not want him to get the sense that you are overly interested and certainly not interested in rekindling the relationship—yet. A slow burn is much more enticing than a raging fire.